They say parenting is hard–single parenting even harder. But despite that solidarity gifted to us as parents, I think we all still have our moments of thinking no one could possibly understand how inadequate we feel–how our own situation must be so unique because it’s the hardest damn thing we’ve ever done and we can’t see the other side.
Raising these three little boys has made me feel the parallel of both joy and struggle and often I have wondered how long I will stay in the trenches.
They bicker–all.the.time. In fact, someone got punched immediately after this picturesque moment. But I can also begin to see how they are destined to be best friends and how they are so intricately connected in every way.
“Don’t pee on each other in the shower!” I can admit that I just stopped typing to shout this at three little gross boys. But I can also boast that last night I sat and watched as they made their own hot dogs for dinner and passed the fruit with civility I never imagined they’d possess so soon. And I had the privilege of experiencing that!
These are the moments of motherhood I’ve been waiting for. This is the time when I get to enjoy my children and love them for who they are without the distractions of every little thing you must keep up with when your kids are too young to do anything for themselves. I have been waiting for this.
Our time is now.
Today, we went to the park without even knowing what time we arrived. I have no reference for how long we stayed other than the fact that we left when we were good and exhausted and ready for video games. I’m guessing by the position of the sun, it was a couple of hours in the beautiful weather. Today, I put the rest of the world away and focused only on one thing–presence with the little people who mean more to me than anything else in this world.
I can’t say that I get to do this often. There are always emails to catch up on, something to clean, bills to pay, everything to do–and I have to tell my kids “Not right now” or “Okay, just for a couple of minutes” way too often.
But our time is now.
We’re transitioning into a stage where I can stop worrying so much about what I have to do for my children, that now I feel like I can focus on what I can do with my children.
And even if it’s still stressful and we still have so far to go, I will continue to share happy moments like this as my message to the universe that I want more. More connection. More space. More stillness. More glimpses of heaven–moments spent watching my little boys giggle while I am filled up with presence. This is what I want for 2017. And this is what we shall have.