On the surface of my life, it seems pretty good. I mean – what can I complain about? I’ve got a roof over my head, lots of good food in my tummy, a hero of a husband, and one miracle baby on the way. The thing I can and will complain about is the fact that I am so damn lonely! When I think about the things I love to do, they all include the people that I love. I really enjoy cooking and baking, but guess what – I don’t have anyone here to enjoy my culinary achievements. I’d probably do a whole lot more if most of it didn’t just end up in the trash can. I also love to play board games, but that’s a little boring when you do it alone. Robert has played with me a couple of times, but it’s not the same. He’s just playing to make me happy, not because he enjoys it too – and believe me, we don’t mix well when it comes to rules of games. Shopping isn’t much fun by yourself either. I never find the great deals. I don’t really have anyone to shop for either (until the baby comes). I always had way more fun when I would shop for my brothers or nephew. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t shop anymore – that way I don’t spend all of our money! Ah…. I just wish I had more of my family and friends around to help me fill my free time. I’ve been such a downer recently. I think it’s because I’m so not motivated, which is because I know that once I’m done with what I have to do – there won’t be anything else to do. It’s sad. Robert likes to spend his free time in other ways. He works hard and deserves to enjoy his time. I just wish he could see how much I am dying for his attention. Unfortunately, I think I need more from him now because there’s no one else to share the burden.
The other night, I had a strange dream about having telekinetic powers. I enjoyed the dream while I was having it, and after waking, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The more and more I thought about it, I realized that this is a dream that I have quite often – a recurring dream. In fact, I have many recurring dreams. Most of them have been happening since I was a little girl. All of this thinking made me wonder why and what do they mean? So, I did a little research in dream psychology and found out a few interesting things that could prove useful to me.
First, let’s address the telekinesis dream. I have this dream from time to time and I really enjoy it. I love the power that I feel, being able to move things with my mind and the simple sway of my hand. Of course, this is something I would never actually be able to do in real life, so why am I dreaming of this power? In my research, I found that telekinesis often represents a higher level of awareness and consciousness. It means that I’m not utilizing my full potential and need to start putting my stored energy levels and mental abilities to use. In other words, this dream I keep having implies that I need to put my thoughts to action.
Another dream I often have is of my teeth falling out or wiggling in my mouth because they are so fragile. Haven’t we all had this dream once or twice? The difference with me is that I have it ALL the time. At least once a week. Some say that since teeth are used to bite, tear, chew, and gnaw, they represent power. Losing my teeth in a dream may be from a sense of powerlessness – I can vouch for that one – it’s a feeling I have often. These feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situations or relationships find a way to express themselves in my dreams. I guess this is an indication that I need to be more assertive and believe in the value of my own opinion.
My most favorite dream of all time is a flying dream! This lucid dreaming sets my mind at ease and creates an exhilarating, joyful, and liberating experience. Apparently, flying with ease and enjoying the scene and landscape below in a dream suggest that I am on top of a situation. If I have risen above something or have gained a different perspective on things, I can use my dreams to interpret that victory into a soaring reward. Flying dreams and the ability to control my flight represents my own personal sense of power.
I have other recurring dreams, but this blog would be way too long if I tried to explore all of them. So what does all this Freudian gibber jabber mean? It could just all be random thoughts floating around in my head and a very creative mind, or it could be deeper. Sometimes I feel powerless, and other times I feel I have conquered. My sense of failures and successes grabs deep into my inner self and expresses these feelings through my dreams. I guess if they keep coming; there must be something that the back of my mind wants the front to know.
When I was 15, I could not stand my parents. I hated every decision they made and every look they gave. Ugh, I was so frustrated with them! That’s all part of being a teenager, though. When I look back now, I love my parents for everything they did for me and for everything they made me do for myself. I don’t think I would have agreed with myself back then though. One day, I guess I got pissed off enough, and I wrote the Rules to Parenting. Even though I see things differently now as an adult, I hope I can use these rules in parenting my miracle baby. Check it out:
Rules to Parenting
1. Never let your kids know that you are sick, unable, unwilling, inconvenienced, or just plain “don’t feel like it.”
2. Never say NO just because. There must always be a valid reason, and you must be ready to share your reason with the child at any time, whether you think they agree or not.
3. There must always be some kind of pet in the house.
4. Kids must never be stressed out about any form of housework! Only stressing out about school and friends is permitted. Parents must be willing to drop everything and help the child in a time of need.
5. The child is the number one priority. Not work, not friends, not anything else – but the child.
6. Once you have made the decision to have a child, your life ends. You now live to show your child how to make it in the large, wondrous world!
7. No yelling is allowed. Every situation must be conversed about calmly and quietly. Even if the kid is smoking pot, never yell!
8. Restrictions may not be placed on how the child chooses to express him/herself. As long as the laws allow it, it’s okay. Besides, it’s just a phase.
9. The child must grow up in a strong Christian environment. But ideas will not be forced on the child and they will never be made to do something against their will. If it’s not in the heart, it needs to be put there, not forcibly, but in love.
3: Miss Not-So-Independent
“You need to be independent before you can rely on anyone else.” My momma and daddy really drove home the fact that I need to be a successful, independent woman. They had great dreams for me – college, fabulous professions, and tons of success. From the time I was 10, I knew that once I turned 18, I had 3 choices. The first choice was go to college and live at school. They second choice was move out of the house and work my butt off with no college education. And the third choice was to go to college, work a part-time job, and pay rent to stay at home. That all seemed pretty fair as my parents really wanted the best for me, and I wanted to fulfill their wishes. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. When there’s no money for college, it’s kind of hard to go away and live at school. When you have no degree and no experience, you can’t make enough money to live on your own. When you go to college and still work a job to keep yourself afloat, you get burnt out real quick. This was my situation. University education was an incredible experience I will never forget. I loved it. At the end of my freshman year, I stood with a 3.98 GPA and two spots on the dean’s list. I also worked two part-time jobs through my first year of college and traveled the states as a national liaison for 4 non-profit organizations. Can you imagine how busy my life was? Oh yea, and don’t forget I was also engaged to my high school sweetheart. I was on the top of the world. I loved every minute of every thing I did. I saw no down side, until tragedies occurred, more tuition was needed, and I couldn’t handle it all. I fell miserably. I quit the non-profit gigs. I dropped out of school. I lost my fiancé. I started working full time and tried to move out on my own. I was guilt-ridden from disappointing my parents. Over the next three years, I would go through 5 apartments, 6 roommates, 6 vehicles, bankruptcy, moving back home at least 10 times, four jobs, no love life, no friends, living out of my car, diagnosis of a chronic disorder, and a deep depression. Life is not easy for those of us in our 20’s. It’s a confusing, terrible, distraught time in our lives. We’re not ready to do it on our own. We may get through it, but it’s tricky. The demands of life weigh you down, and you don’t know what to do. Now, at 22, I’m married (not-so-happily), pregnant, and living 1500 miles away from my family because of the Army. It’s rough. And the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that one day, my 20s will be over.
2: Fabulous Eight
For my 13th birthday sleepover, I invited every girl in the neighborhood within a two school-year radius. It ended up that I wasn’t as popular as I actually thought I was and only 2 girls showed up. One of the girls I invited actually asked her sister (who was her acting parent) to ground her so she didn’t have to come to my party. What a downer! Nevertheless, this girl would end up being my closest friend and sister. Her name is Emily. After my birthday party disaster, Emily and I started to become better friends through a group of girls in high school. There were four of us – Emily, Stephanie, May, and me. We were so close. We would get together every single day and prowl around the neighborhood, walk up to Dodges for pizza sticks, or just plain get into trouble at one of our houses. It was the typical middle-school clique. So typical, in fact, that someone always gets left out. After an entire year of our close friendship, Stephanie and May decided they just wanted to be best friends and not hang out with us anymore, save the occasional park rendezvous. I know, it sounds silly. But, in middle school, this is huge drama! That left Emily and I to fend for ourselves and forced our mediocre friendship to become strong. Emily entrusted me with details of her life that touched my heart and made it cry for her. She was orphaned at the age of ten, when her mother died after a long battle with Lupus. Since then, she had been shuffled through various family members across the states and ended up living with her older sister, who lived on the same court as my family. Of course, you can imagine how stressful this was for the both of them. Can you imagine your sister becoming a mother-figure? They would butt heads all the time. But Emily and I stayed close and took care of each other. She taught my sheltered self a lot about how life really is and I helped her escape the realities of it from time to time. That sad day came when my parents announced that they had bought a house in Chesapeake, 30 minutes away from our home in Norfolk. Since I was used to moving, I handled it pretty well. But I had made so many close friends in Norfolk; it was definitely going to be a harder transition than usual. After the move, I began making new friends, as I had done so many times before. At 14, I didn’t think of Emily just being a city away. How would we hang out? How could our friendship stay strong? It didn’t make sense to me. The occasional sleepover at my house was fun, but we weren’t as close as before. I stopped calling her, expecting the friendship to die. But she kept calling me. And when I wasn’t home, she would talk to my mom or dad (they loved her to death!). Eventually one day, Emily came out and decided that she couldn’t live with her sister any more. She had another sister in North Carolina, but that was so far away. My parents, with their huge open hearts, invited her to stay and live with our family of seven. She would make eight, and what a fabulous eight she was. In order to enroll her in school and take care of her other basic needs, my parents needed to acquire guardianship rights over Emily. This really cemented Emily’s place in our family. My parents remodeled the garage into a huge bedroom for all of the girls, Emily, Tiffanny, and me. Home life was so much fun, because I had my best friend with me all the time! We would confide in each other and enjoy every moment of our lives. Although, after a few months of seeing the same person every moment of every day, it gets a little old. We began to fight. I became jealous when my parents took Emily’s side. It was a little difficult for me to adjust to this new arrangement. Through our fights and our hysterical late nights, Emily and I made it. We’re still best friends to this day, even with 1500 miles between us. She still knows how to tweak my nerves, but I still love her all the same. We could piss each other off one minute, and five minutes later, it’s “hey, you wanna get your butt beat in some scrabble?” I am so glad that Emily didn’t stop calling me. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without her. She gives me the strength to keep going when everything is going wrong. Her jokes will always put a smile on my face and motivate me to do whatever is I need to. Thank you Emily.
*Please note that most names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those individuals.